He’s my first boyfriend. He is a really really smart guy, a year ahead of me in school. We have a lot in common, but we also differ in a lot of ways.
I have a strong belief that I should keep my virginity for the man who I will marry. So I have been very reluctant to his request to have sex with him. He is in graduate school right now, and I am in my last year of university. He didn’t have a lot of time to spend of me. I always feel that he mistreated me. For the past 3 months of our relationship he never take me out, never.
I was really pissed off at him about everything, including the fact that the a couple of days before (the fight) he really tried to penetrate me when I wasn’t really ready. He couldn’t get it in, I was screaming in pain and was bleeding so he had to stop – not because I was in pain but because I was screaming. I started a huge fight with him and ask for a break, a permanent break. But I regreted it. I missed him. And I regret that I started a a fight and put on so many scenes.
Anyway, we somehow just missed each other, and agreed to meet on Saturday to talk (I am sure he has other things in mind, and I was ok with that knowing that I don’t want to lose him). I just found out that I can’t meet Saturday earlier today, and we decided to meet this evening instead. We talked a bit, sat close to each other, hugged, and as usual I tease him in my little way…
We have a little secret place at school that we go to, and we went there. Cuddling, kissing, touching, teasing each other. I can please him like no other women even did, without going down on him. I lick his ears, his neck, his nipples, his nose and at the same time touches his private outside his briefs. He was wearing a red one today… every time I do that he had to stop me, saying that I am getting him too excited. I am playful at times and I say, “that’s good!” and he would say, “I don’t want to make a mess in my pants. I want to do it in you.” and I would be like, teasing him still, but turn away.
But this time, I did not. I decided to do it with him (and was prepared – I have K-Y Jelly and spermicide ready). I don’t know why. Probably because I know I would lose him if I don’t do it. I know I shouldn’t do that (for a lot of reasons, including the fact that I know he’s not the right person) but we did. We undressed, we got a bit of Jelly in the inside of the condom before he roll it on him (it’s supposed to make it feel better for him, I don’t know if it did or not, haven’t ask him yet) and with the experience the last time he tried, we were sure that we will want some jelly on the outside of the condom before he enters me. We didn’t use the spermicide – we didn’t want to read the instruction and “calm down”. And we had a condom already, so couldn’t be bothered. But he promised to read it and use it next time.
It really hurts. Now I am not going to exagguate and say that “it’s the worse pain that I’ve ever experienced in my entire live”. I have experience worse pain than that. But it really did hurt – I was almost in tears. I had one hand covering my mouth to make sure that I don’t scream. There was blood but not “bleeding” which is sort of like, “a flow” similar to a period (that’s how I define bleeding”. And I could still walk like normal.
It really hurt, and he tried to be gentle. He was done in about 5 minutes (we didn’t have a lot of time), I was in pain the whole time except for the last time he pushed. He wasn’t going really fast but it did hurt.
It wasn’t very enjoyable for me. The “pleasure” the was suppose to follow the pain (according to the stories here) never “showed up”, unlike in most other stories. He sort of told me that he’s climaxing and I do feel that he’s pushing harder (and it hurts more). But I didn’t feel him climaxing at all although I can see that he’s facial expression is different. I guess I should be glad that I didn’t feel him climaxing… otherwise I would be in trouble big time – I am at the fertile part of the cycle.
Anyway, after he’s done before pulling out he bent down and hugged and kissed me (I was lying on my back and he was standing between my legs). Then he pulled out and cleaned himself. I was lying there, thinking, “that was it?”. Kinda feel hurt in a way, because it’s like, the only purpose of me being there is to be his “physical recreation tool”. I looked at him, really confused, with mixed emotions and the pain, stunned, didn’t know what to do. He was done cleaning, etc and I was still looking at him. He was like, “let’s clean up” in a nice way… can’t remember the exact words (as in cleaning myself, the blood, the “wetness”).
We got dressed again, hugged and talked a bit more, and then he walked me to the subway and said good bye. And now here I am, in front of the computer typing. It wasn’t the most memoriable experience in my life, nor is it very special as I’ve always wanted it to be. But I have went through so much to decide whether or not I should do it. And now that I did, I am going to stop worrying about it. It can’t be undone anyway. Not that I regret it or anything, it’s just that worrying isn’t going to make me feel any better. This may not be the best story here, but it’s what happened and I hope you enjoy reading it… or maybe none of you are actually reading all the way down to here?
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