Where it happened: My first college apartment
Langauge: English
Sex: Female
Rating: 2
Category: Straight
I was 20 when I finally lost my virginity. This is unbelievable to me still, as I was always the kind of girl that you figured would have started playing with boys a lot earlier. Thing is, I fell in love, that deep, obsessive, stupid kind of love. And no, not with the same guy that I finally lost “IT” to. I fell in love at 17 to a guy who was 8 years older than me. Looking back, that was obviously my first mistake. Also, perhaps a little on the illegal side, though I swear he never touched me. Indeed, he never touched me for three confusing, agonizing years. But because TS was my first love, I followed him everywhere like a sad, loyal pup. If he treated me badly, which everyone else would swear to you he did, I never noticed. If he held out on me all the physical pleasures I may or may not have deserved, well, I trusted him to know what was right. I thought he was brilliant, I thought he was soo misunderstood and absolutely amazing. We were so close, and he said he loved me; I just knew that someday he would take it to the next level. There were always hints, innuendoes, and massive amounts of flirting that sustained me during those hormonal years when I rightfully should have been screwing my first casual college boyfriend in my dorm room bunk-bed. But even though we were never officially a couple and I was free to roam, I can honestly say that I did not notice a single other boy during all those years; TS was my only obsession. He was always there, his flirty emails on my computer, his drunken, loving phone messages on my voicemail, his arm around me during our occasional platonic sleepovers. So I waited and waited and waited until finally, FINALLY during my 20th birthday party, something happened. Everything was winding down, and I had gone into the kitchen to pack up the unopened booze when I turned around and TS was standing thisdamnclose behind me. I had invited him despite the obvious disapproval of my other friends, and he had been acting strange all night – completely out of character and completely ALL OVER ME. I was nervous, and if I said anything, I don’t remember. He leaned in and kissed me. Our first kiss. To this day, it is the best kiss I’ve ever had, hands down. Soft, passionate, and he bit my lip a little which nearly sent me over the edge. It was amazing. He asked me quietly if I would like to come back home with him, and I knew, I KNEW that it was finally going to happen. TS was finally going to have sex with me, and all the years of waiting would be justified because judging by the kiss, this was going to be GOOD. And then reality smacked me in the face: I didn’t have my car, I had driven with my roommate. He lived an hour in one direction, and I lived an hour in the opposite direction. There was no way the roomie would drive me to his house and then all the way back home, and there was no way that he could bring me home the next day if I just went with him. It was over. I declined his offer, inwardly cursing myself for not driving. Brokenhearted, I went home. But as usual TS called a few days later, and we made plans for him to come and see me that very next weekend. Yes, yesss! My roommate and I spent the whole week looking for a cute new outfit to wear, and when our date night finally arrived, I was fully ready to GET IT ON. Thing was, he apparently had gotten over it. There was no flirting, no touching, and no more kissing. It devastated me, and something in my brain just snapped. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I was young, and had NEEDS, dammit! Fast forward to a week or so later. I was at a party with other random friends. I didn’t know many people, and was trying to act so cool. I flirted with the guys trying to get them to buy me some beer, and amazingly, one of them bit. JL was the chubby, funny guy that usually didn’t get the girls, but could make you laugh hysterically by dancing perfectly to N*Sync songs. Nothing like the lean, handsome TS, JL was smart, he was sweet, and he was a computer geek. Well, it just so happened I had a computer problem at home, and before I knew what I was doing, and a little buzzed from the 6-pack he had bought me, we were back at my place to “look at my computer.” Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do to fix the problem, but booooyyyy was he tired. We changed into our jammies, and crawled into bed. The kissing started, and I just didn’t know what to do. Nothing in my three-year relationship with TS had prepared me for actually fooling around with a guy! And that’s when it hit me: I was 20 years old, I should know how to do this! I realized at that moment that if I ever wanted TS to see me as an adult, then I needed to become an adult in the most literal way I could think of. I knew that I was about to lose my virginity with this near total stranger, and I just let it happen. At that point, I had stopped caring about the whole sacred “first time” bit, I just wanted to get it over with. And it was bad. Soo bad! JL didn’t know it was my first time, and I never mentioned it. I lived through the awkward condom scene, I survived the initial shock of how weird sex is (when you really stop to think about it), I even survived my total lack of enjoyment over feeling like I was being humped by a dog. The high point was when JL, in his frantic state, accidentally kicked over the birdcage at the foot of the bed, awakening my two parakeets and causing them to go into a chirping, shrieking panic. I laughed, not realizing it was a total sex faux pas. All too quickly it was over, and we were just there sleeping. When we woke up the next morning, of course I was uncomfortable. Feeling guilty, I made some lame excuses to JL, stopped his affectionate advances, and drove him home. I also really hurt his feelings, I realized much later. He had liked me, this the first guy I had even noticed in so long, and I had blown it. Within 12 hours, I had already called TS and reported the news about my little misadventure. I really thought he would be interested in it and think it was funny, and at first he did. But then the change came, and I started to see TS exactly the same way everyone else had: controlling, mean and selfish. He yelled at me. Yelled that it rightfully should have been him. I was furious, and agreed, it SHOULD have been him, but it wasn’t! I couldn’t wait around anymore. It was never the same after that. Over the last three months of our friendship, I came to see that all he had ever wanted with me was to keep me as his little cheerleader. Who doesn’t want to be worshipped? Tantalizing me with the thought of possible sex to come was just another way to keep me coming back, but when I went off and found someone else, even for just one night, he had begun to lose control and it drove him mad. He tried in vain to keep me at heel, even going so far as trying to dictate what kind of birth control I would use with my other partners, but it was over. I had stopped listening. We fought and fought and then we just stopped talking all together. After it was all over with TS, I realized the error of my ways and tried to rekindle things with JL. We had a casual, occasional relationship for a year, but he never liked me as much as he had that first night. Too bad, he was a great guy, I know that now. And have I learned my lesson all these years later? I’m not quite sure. I’m happy, engaged and have an awesome little boy with my fiancée. We’ve been a functional family for two years now, after having dated off and on before that, and are thrilled with our life everyday. TS should be out of the picture completely, but I must admit he still haunts me via email every once in awhile. I think he misses me, and I wonder if he feels sad when he thinks about it all, like I do. But I keep moving on, and things have never been so good.
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