BiCarolS

Part 1 “BiCarolS Love for her Children” ©
BiCarols@


While growing through my changes to a woman, I was left scared and afraid from it all. I received the sanitary talk about my monthly cycle and that was all. Before that lecture, I was 11, when I had learned how to Masturbate by chance. I had accidentally found my clit a few times, it was a different but good sensation. One night I just started rubbing and started feeling so suffocatingly good I kept rubbing until I involuntarily began to shake, felt wetness oozing from my Vagina, feared I was peeing, but to engrossed with feeling good until my whole body jumped into a Thunderous Peak of Rapture.
I was so scared and frightened. I could not go to my parent’s, it was not a subject discussed. Anything to remotely come near the subject of sex was considered naughty and disgusting. I did not sleep the whole night because of the confusion running in my mind. I felt frightened of what I had done, shame for touching myself, embarrassed at the thought that I had almost peed in the bed, and yet the wonderful feeling that overcame me.
However, I repeated that again the next night. It was almost innate that I thought of what boy’s looked like doing what I was while I was rubbing myself, that was until I accidentally saw my older brother naked. It was early morning before anyone was awake. I was returning from using the bathroom, the sun had risen enough for there to be light in his room, through the partially open door to his bedroom I saw him sleeping on his back, and the sheet were off of him from the hot summer night. I stood frozen drinking in his anatomy. I focused on his penis with fascination. I had just gone to the bathroom, but I felt wet, as though I had not wiped myself after peeing. The very nice suffocating and nauseous feeling, I had felt when rubbing myself, filled my body. At that point, keeping his naked image in my minds eye, I rushed to my bedroom took off my pajama’s and panty’s, rubbing myself in hunger for that release, I was learning to enjoy.

I continued with my secret, the best gift ever given to me, and this I kept giving myself those last few weeks of Fall, before the cold warning of winter. I had stolen more focus in the night of him, from the hall at the break of morning, even when the moon was bright on a clear night. The coolness of season was the end of my exciting game I play with myself, but not stopping the splendid rubbing of myself. So sad as I became to accept his need to cover in war of bed sheets and blanket, I still had the images intact in ,my mind of those moments of my capture, then my long lasting pleasures I gave to myself. Those memories I would need to keep as he left start College.
It was that Fall, when my relatives gathered at our house for a large family Thanksgiving. It was this occasion that all the pieces of my secrets of curiousness I felt, wanted and gave to myself that the puzzled was put together for me. Not until a few years after that holiday visit of so many relatives all staying those few days at our house. I did not realize at the time the scope of my Cousin Beth’s actual motive of sisterly interest with me. She was assigned to sleep in my bedroom, my bed with me. Those were the sleeping arrangements my mother made for our relatives visiting from a distance. Her assignment I did not think much of in respect to accommodating relatives. It had always been the custom and natural for the boys to bring their sleeping bags and girls to sleep in the beds of girls if empty beds were not available. No one thought any unusual for girls to sleep in bed together.
The parents did drink a lot that first night. Everyone in the late Thanksgiving festivities, tired from eating and staying late It was time for the children to go to bed and the older children to assist with the task. Beth and I went to my bedroom, I figured I would brush my teeth and go to the bathroom before getting into bed and to sleep. I assumed Beth would be changed into her pajamas’ and in bed when I returned or maybe waiting to use the bathroom. As I figured , walking into my bedroom, she was in bed. I was nearing the bed to get in, I asked her to turn off the light next to her on the nightstand. Yet, as opened the sheets to get in, she had not made a motion toward the light. That light was not off, it was that light I saw my Cousin naked underneath the sheets. My arm in the air, my body near falling onto the comfort of the soft mattress, somehow I suddenly froze in mid action of my motion struck at my first sight. I had never seen a naked girl until this moment. Previously I was entranced with Jeffrey’s body of a boy in the dim light of night or morning. This was the frist time and illuminated vision of another girl I had been presented so sudden, without forethought or secret of the past with Jeff. this was not avoidable, it was known and not my secret. This was Beth and she knew what I saw. Mixed if reaction should be fright or of accepting was the ladies in the bathrooms when sharing. I simply let my body fall and could not say a word, my throat was so tight, my chest so heavy, that suffocating feeling I had grown to enjoy, I was near the need when I just would lay in bed and rub myself until my pleasure peaked. Yet with someone maybe knowing my secret, I did not move after my landing and sheet fell on me, I was speechless for rear she might discover my private secret of enjoyment when I was alone.
Beth was 17; I was impressionable, and very intimidated by her being much older than me. She was silent, the quiet had need to be broken, without thought I sputtered, “You don’t sleep with anything on?”
In a quip of berating response, she commented in lower voice in terms to speak down to me, “Why sleep on sheets with clothes on, you don’t pee in bed do you?”
I did not think to realize her two statements we totally unrelated, I was embarrassed at her pee in bed comment, quickly stating I had never done that. Her quick response again, “then why are you wearing those?”
I could not belittle myself any further with saying, because my mother told me to wear them, yet that was year’s ago. Thinking I was mature, I reflected back that I was wearing them as a courtesy with her sleeping in the same bed as me.
I fell hook line and sinker, at her comment to me, “You don’t have to be uncomfortable wearing those for me, take them off and let’s get to sleep”. I did as instructed by my older relative, but very embarrassed to stand next to the bed, undressing with her so close to me. I tried not to look at her, but saw she was looking at my nakedness in the seemingly spotlight shinning upon my body, from the lamp on the nightstand.
She still had not turned off the light when I went quickly under the sheets to cover myself. I asked her again to turn the light off, but see commented that she was not tired and wanted to talk for a while, get to know me.
I was stiff as a board, with intimidation, laying flat on my back in the small bed. She was on her side, her skin against mine. Without looking, I could feel the difference of her developed soft breast and firm flat tummy against my skin. I just lay there frightened of being so close and naked with a person. Other than my brother, in the dim morning light and my mother quickly covering herself when giving me permission to enter the bathroom, I had never see another person naked. Feeling her skin against mine spun my mind into surrendering confusion. I felt that familiar sensation taking over my body, that wonderful nauseous and suffocating feeling.
That was the weakest of moments I would feel of myself for the next few years. I heard, “Carol, I have watched you become a beautiful girl over the years, tonight I saw your body has developed so much since I saw you last Christmas”.
I felt her arm move under the covers for her hand to gently and on my tummy in a slow movement on my skin toward my small breast. I was full of the familiar feeling, now I was taking shorter breaths which stopped as her forefinger and thumb fold my nipple, usually hard when I am cold or when I realized they became with I rubbed myself.
The end of that night started with her words that still make met wet, when I recall her saying, “Carol, everyone is sound asleep in the house, we are alone, I know from looking at you that no one has ever touched you. I want to be the first take you where you will always enjoy returning”. With the nightstand light, still glowing, I now realize I was glowing clear enough for Beth to see I was hers for the making.
Before that evening the last I was awake all night happened after my first, unknowing Orgasm. Had I been aware from just a comment from my Parent’s of my sexuality, I would have been forewarned to decide or defend. If I were alone with a boy, I would have been used as his prey. With Beth, I was her little naked doll to play.
That one evening was years of my sexual awareness and growth. I have never thought less than aroused returning to that night and the many times she played with me, play with her and me playing with myself for her or invited friends.
She positioned herself with my parents to become my sitter when they were away. As with the first of many times that sleepless evening, as if her pet, she trained me the desire to open myself to show her my Orgasm. I was with the feeling my giving this display for her I was receiving affection. When I would bring her to that peak, I felt I was receiving affection. I felt the same when she invited her girlfriends to “play”. I will never forget thinking it was her affection and not obsession as she pierced my hymen with her fingers while licking me to waves of Orgasm, forgetting any pain, until my returning, awakening in her arms and somehow had me suckling her breast.
As I cleared from never having so many Orgasms at once, with her hard nipple on my lips, I heard her tempting words of comfort that any discomfort I felt that was replaced with the pleasures of my Orgasms that she gave to me and greater pleasures were to come. All the while, I felt the rhythmic motion of her body as she Masturbated to her climax. As I thought was a sign of her affection for me, signal of many times in the past, she quick unlatch my suckling to move my shoulders and head higher to make sure I could see all of her beautiful naked body. In full view, as she desired, I watched her hand moving like a piston in her pussy, hearing her juices of arousal confirming her fingers in motion. Yet, before her calling my attention, she made a comment that left me in mystery, “Carol, the feeling I gave inside of you is the start of the greatest feeling you will ever feel”
Those words seemed to have taken her to her height of self-pleasure, as she spoke, what I thought to be affection for me, “Carol, look at me, are you watching me Masturbate, are you watching me play with myself in front of you?” Her voice becomes higher in pitch, louder and more commanding for me, her audience of one. “Carol, I get so turned on watching you, I get so excited – you love to watch me beat off don’t you? You love having me watch you rubbing yourself, don’t you?” If not that, I thought I was receiving affection, I would not give her the response she trained me to say, “Yes Beth”. With those two simple words, she cries to me, ”Carol, watch me Orgasm on my fingers, I want you to see me”. Beth’s body then shook with spasms; she pushed me off her shoulder and arm wrapped around me so her hand could reach down to pull up her hood uncovering her swollen pearl shaped button. As her wet fingers fumble to tickle her button as she made her series of Orgasms continue.
I learned from this, thought affection. I would become so excited for her, from her, with her. I later solved her comment of mystery to me the few times that followed was her introduction of my first dildo, my first vibrator, and the first time she held me as she inserted a penis shaped dildo into me. This shaft was part of a harness around the waist of an older girlfriend, Brenda. I had not met Brenda before, however, I learned that she had introduced Beth to this pleasure, which became a plan for the “expansion” of my sexuality. Again, Beth said to me, “Carol, the feeling I give inside of you is the start of the greatest feeling you will ever feel”.
As her girlfriend’s excitement grew from sliding her shaft slowly in and out of my pussy, Beth was participating as she stood beside the bed Masturbating, with one hand as her other hand made milking strokes on her beast to her complete each motion by pinching her nipple.
I thought it was affection I was receiving watching them in pleasure from their actions. Affection for me, as they encouraged me to play with me pussy as her girlfriend heated in her thrilling passion of Beth’s play and her excitement having her plastic penis inside of me. I thought it was also affection of me Masturbating for Beth as she started telling me how much I loved showing Brenda and her how I Orgasm.
As when we were first together, the pieces of mysterious words fit together like a puzzle. That evening a girlfriend of Beth arrived with a boyfriend for an evening of play. I was almost 15, beyond my brother in the early morning dawn laying afar naked on his bed while sleeping, I had seen pictures, I had once felt a boy’s penis in the dark while proficiently following Beth’s instructions to jerk him off. But, until that night, I had never seen the details of a guys cock as it grew to extended firmness.
In the course of that night, while her girlfriend was licking Beth, she instructed me to lay in the same position as with her girlfriend with the strapon penis. My legs draped over the bottom of the bed. I felt excitedly, naughty with embracement, my legs spread on either side of Brenda’s boyfriend, Evan. This was the first time I was naked and so exposed to a person not as the same sex as me. My eyes we fixated on his penis, swollen in erection, pointing upward as he was nearing my pussy. Beth lay beside me; Brenda stopped her licking to watch her boyfriend. Brenda had reached into the travel bag and handed a small foil packet to Beth.
“Oh I just love rolling these on.” Beth’s eye glistened, with her beautiful sheepish smile; looking in my eyes, she made a strong point in her the pitch of her voice saying to me, “Carol, this is how to put a condom on a penis. Watch, it’s easy, you must never let a boy be naked with you unless this is on him, OK?”
Holding Evan cock, she gave further instructions to me while rolling the condom to the bottom of his shaft. I forgot my embarrassed feelings with my legs spread for Evan’s view over my pussy. I knew he could see my excitement, I felt my wet passion dripping between my fanny cheeks. My mind was not thinking, I was just taking in all the arousal surrounding my body.
With Carol on her knees beside my hips, her fingers parted my swollen lips, her other hand wrapped around Evan’s covered shaft she directed him at my pussy cock to my pussy. Looking into my eyes, I heard her say to me, “Carol, the feeling I give inside of you is the greatest feeling you will ever feel”. This time she said it differently, as he slowly pushed himself into my tunnel of passion. He felt warmer than Beth’s toys or Brenda’s extension to her Strapon harness. His cock was more flexible to my uncontrolled spasms of my walls feeling Evan fill me while my soul filled with that suffocating nauseous pleasure I recall from excitement beyond thought, the feeling a man’s penis inside of me. Feeling his cock twitch, and growing further in size, the sight of Evan Cumming, the pulsing of his penis, and sensation of it shrinking.
My bursting Orgasms that followed I had never felt, yet could only compare to my first sexual awakening that glowing night and Beth’s gift to me. I still recall that I thanked Carols while she guided him into me; the mistaken thought I was receiving all the affection. In my daze and my body limp sexual rapture, I could only watched, as if a new dream of fantasy, as Brenda slipped the rubber off Evan’s rod and engulfing him into her mouth. Her cheeks became hollow; I saw Evan’s collapsing legs taking his body crumbling to the floor, as Brenda remained attached to his shaft; I lost sight of her below bed level. I only heard her puffs of broken suction and Evan’s draining moan to silence.
Beth continued her babysitting visits, which later turned to visiting when my parents were away. My brother had left for College, so our excuse was for Beth to visit so I would not be alone. Until Beth broke any thought, I had, of her and conviction of sexuality when she married and his job moved her further away.
I had wisely started to sprout my own individuality; at youthful age, I did have wisdom to wean my emotional bond with Beth. She stopped her controlling pleasures of me and became excited by watching and advising my contact with boys. She would thrill during my times I shared with girl’s, sometimes short of imposing with desire to join my sharing of sexual intimacy to “meet” my girlfriend.
She would call me to ask deep questions of my dating. It was titillating for me to convey the details to her. She seemed to be vicariously living my relationships. On occasions, I could hear the telephone receiver moving in a rhythm on her end, knowing from past sex that rhythm was to her music of Masturbating, accentuated in verse from her shortness of breath. Near her peaking of pleasure I would not mind satisfying my thirst for an Orgasm from this telephone arousal until I would hear her familiar chanting excitement of herself to me and knowing my methods of self-pleasure from sessions of the past. I would let her peak first with my trained response, “Yes, Beth” and hear her singing in rolling Orgasms. My turn I changed to role of command, making her listen to me, making Beth arouse my senses. I made sure that those telephone moments were for her to show affection to my climax.
My sexual awakening and experiences of the past had giving me false security that I was fully mature when I turned 18. I thought I had lived all sexual development there was and listed to my parent’s directive to state their belief of me as a Woman.
I had been dating Randy for two months; in my parent’s mindset, this was enough for me to spend my life, knowing him so well. I was getting older and should not let him get away, even though her was 5 years older, they felt his college education was passage of caring for me.
Randy and I had sexual relations before marriage. I thought the infrequency was due to our dating pattern. It was Beth’s influence of controlling, as the only reason we consummated our Marriage on our wedding night. I had not realized everyone’s sexual appetite was not the same. I accepted Randy’s may have been below the norm, but commitment made and follow my duties as wife.
His work has him traveling a great deal. I hid my intimate loneliness raise the three boys that took a lot of time. When he would return home, I felt without his asking it was my duty to care for him. Sex was missionary for about five minutes. If he had not Cum, he would roll off me and just go to sleep. I would be left hanging not for the emotion I did not find, but just to have an Orgasm. I would slip away into the bathroom and Masturbate with thoughts of his uncircumcised penis and what I wanted to do together.
Randy’s belief of having children, was my sexual redemption in Marriage. He increased our frequency of sex, I was enjoying that with hope he may find pleasure and it would create a desire for more. I did all I could to not become pregnant, until I thought my efforts would become apparent. I had my first child and his commitment for another.
It was then another sexual awaken occur to my pleasure and delight. After Jason arrived in our life and the attention from friend’s, relatives and neighbors subsided, that I allowed myself to bond in motherhood with my child. From the first moment Jason’s lips suckled my nipple the message we like an electric bolt of lightening shot excitement to my button of pleasure. Then, alone I permitted my body to naturally respond, and it responded with so much arousal. My juices of passion flowed so much, towels no just for Jason’s burping, but also towels for my chair to absorb my flowing arousal.
As when Beth would tease me and delay my desire for my Orgasm, I would build with erotic tension, as my breasts would drain of their fullness to be released. Shaking inside I would place Jason in his crib to sleep and quickly go to my bed to wake my need for sexual satisfaction to the highest point I could possibly reach and climax in Orgasm to the depths of my soul.
When the time came for Jason to take solids, I carefully tracked my cycle of months and reminded Randy of our commitment for another child. His frequent business trips away and careful planning to oppose my fertility cycle I settled for our increased sex a longer than my first plan for pregnancy. It was simply a result of nature and numbers that I finally became pregnant. I gave birth to my wonderful Tommy.
This time I cut short the attention from friends, relatives and neighbors. I had longed for my private bonding with Tommy and excitement of his lips suckling from my nipples. Those resulting Orgasms were so wonderful with built excitement while feeding and my ensuing pinnacles of climax.
Michael was my last child to be created from our Marriage. I prolonged my feeding as long as reasonable as my heart crying Farwell to my methods of sexual need. Randy had not developed interest from our efforts of creation with sexual intimacy, I returned to my duties as wife and Masturbation for my dreams and desires.
I had repressed much of those desires for intimacy over the years, I still Masturbated, and serviced Randy, but the glow inside was dim. While doing the laundry, placing it in the washing machine I recognized an almost forgotten vision. Spots of cum had stained on the sheets! Inside I heard a promise I made to myself, never will my children grow through their most important time of their life, without being informed of emotions connected to feeling. To be aware of their sexuality, to make decisions and enjoy their transition into becoming an adult.
I had no one I could confide with or speak with about this subject of children and awareness of their sexuality. My Sister in Law was “close” but without any inner strength, the type who may be scared of her own shadow. My inner feelings were strong, my understanding of my past I was well aware, my promise I must keep for my self-esteem. I certainly knew about intimacy and sexuality, should I be grateful to Beth for this? Well, I did have a lot of sex and climaxes. But, it was not the awakening from her; it was the act without deep emotion connected to the feelings. I want to teach my children Love from their Mother. I want to have them connect their feeling of love. I can convey that with their feeling towards me and transcend that to their life. Start with Motherly Love and seek out their love and sexuality that makes it all so beautiful.
Jason’s sheet indicated first signs of his puberty and development. I wondered to myself if he knew what it was, didn’t realize it or was scared about the Cum stain? It was time for me to make a decision on my own. Complete my promise to myself and know I raised them to enjoy the beauty of this transition? Or should I say nothing eating my heart with pain not knowing if they will look back on me with shame for never have given them Motherly Love.
It was Washington’s Birthday weekend. I had found a friend with a House in the Ski Country up north not being used that weekend. Randy was going to take the boy’s; I made the excuse of helping with a local crafts fair. Jason was to stay home with me to study, as his math tests were not “perfect”! Nobody wanted to touch that subject for fear they would not go skiing either. Jason was to have awakening for a weekend he would appreciate and never forget.
I have to stop I have Climaxed so much, I want even more Orgasms yet I stop writing, just recalling these moments and Masturbate with passion and heat as if the thrill and excitement were happening again. I will ……In Part 2 “BiCarolS Love for her Children”

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