Where it happened: The bedroom of my best friends 17 year old cousin
Langauge: English
Sex: Female
Rating: 5
Category: Straight
I’m a big girl…big. 269 pounds of big. And I always thought that I’d never get a first time. That because I was big that no guy would ever think me worthy of having sex with. But then there was this guy who I started talking to on facebook about a year ago. And he was younger than me, just by a year. And he told me how beautiful he thought I was and that he accepted me. And it was really hard for me to bring myself to feel what I really felt for him because I didn’t feel worthy. I’d make excuses like, he has a big nose or some stupid thing. But then he went to college and we didn’t talk much after. But then recently we started texting, just light stuff. And we used to always hook up. My first handjob and blowjob was on him and that didn’t bother me. I never thought that hand/blowjobs were sex. I wouldn’t let him eat me out or really finger me. It was just all about him for the most part. And I didn’t mind. I was just stoked that a guy wanted this from me. But anyway, so he hit me up and I invited him to hang out with me and my friend and her boyfriend. It was christmas day, well night. And he came, surprisingly. And we all got drunk and high. And initially I thought that we would just hookup like we usually did. But that night i learned he wasnt a virgin anymore. And whilst really high and drunk we went upstairs and started hooking up. And he started taking off my clothes and I remember feeling the pain. I remember telling him to keep going. But not much else. It didn’t feel good. It felt like I was being stabbed with a blunt object. I hated it. And I hated it so much more because I’ve always been taking crap for being a virgin from myself since i was 14. But everyone else was so happy for me, like they couldnt believe it. And even though i was a virgin, I figured well at least I can say I waited for the right time and the right guy. If my daughter asks me one day how i lost it I can tell her the right way. But I can’t now. I fucked up. I’m so mad at myself. And he didn’t care. He just left as soon as he could. He was just using me like a sex doll. My virginity was the one thing that I had that was mine that I could control and I just gave it up. And i cant even remember. Theres parts of that night where I completely blacked out. And I just keep crying. Some people may think I’m being melodramatic or whatever but, this was the last thing that i had. And I hate myself for giving it up. And I hate that I compromised myself for some loser. And I hate that I expected soo much from this kid! I wish I could take it all back. But it’s too late. Now all I have left is this emptiness. This anger. This resentment. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.
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