Mere

Your first time having sex is supposed to be with the one you love the most. You’re supposed to be married and in a relationship full of love and passion when you first have sex, but not many comply with that rule.

I’m strictly writing my experience to encourage young girls like me to wait until they are ready to take on the responsibility of the emotional binding between you and your first partner.

It was on November 16th, 2014 when I became a different person. I was sure I was in love with a guy that had betrayed me and used me multiple times, and a week before the event happened, he basically said he wanted more than just a good blowjob from me: he wanted sex.

At the beginning of the conversation about sex, it was all a joke to me because he knew I wasn’t ready for something as big as that. But as more and more texts were exchanged, I was feeling pressured to give the man I “loved” the only thing I wanted to keep: my virginity. So I said yes to his demand because I didn’t want to lose his attention because all I’d ever wanted was to be cared for.

So we set a day to meet up, and as the day came, I constantly told myself that I would be the first out of my friends to have sex, and he wanted it so why not do it? And I also wanted to have sex for my purpose too. I was tired of being known as the good girl who followed her parents rules and lived life like she was a scared little girl, afraid to experience the joys in life.

So when the day came, I told my parents that I was to go study at a friends house, but instead, I was to go hookup with a guy that I would learn gave no sh*ts about me. I arrived at his house and since his parents weren’t home, he directed my car to a spot where there would be no possible way anyone could see us having sex.

At first it was like our normal makeout sessions, but I knew thats not what it would end up being. I straddled on top of him as things got heated and soon I could feel him taking off my pants and I freaked out. I thought he would understand if I chickened out, and maybe we could do something else instead, but he didn’t understand at all. He kept saying, “It will be fine,” but deep down I knew it wouldn’t be fine.

Again and again I tried to say no, but his eyes were just full of what seemed as love, so I gave in. At first it was a bit awkward because we could find the right position since the car was a biiittt small, but when we did, I instantly regretted everything.

It hurt like hell when it began and I started to whimper and beg for him to stop. As always, he kept saying it would be fine, so I believed him. The pain went on for what seemed like years and it was some of the worst pain I’d ever felt. But he got comfortable inside me and eventually it didn’t hurt as bad. At the moment, it felt like we were making love and it was a start to a new relationship which I wanted to have with him so badly.

When it was over, the realization of what just happened hadn’t hit me yet, so it felt like a beautiful dream. He smiled at me and made sure I was okay before I drove him home and he kissed me goodbye. I turned my vehicle around and all I could just do was smile constantly for a few minutes. I was caught in a daze of love and passion that I was blinded by the reality of it all.

Suddenly, something snapped me out of my daze, and I was brought back to reality. I started to hyperventilate and tears started pouring down my eyes. I had to pull over the vehicle because everything was just too much.

What the hell was I thinking? I am 15 years old for god’s sake and I just had sex. What if I get pregnant? What if my parents find out? All the ‘what ifs’ consumed my mind and I couldn’t take it. It seemed like years before I stopped crying and the only reason I did is because I prayed.

Yes I am a Christian. And yes I am a hypocrite. But whats done is done and the only one who can relieve me of my pain is God himself. I poured my heart out to him and as soon as I said, “Amen,” I felt a wave of calm wash over me. He knew this was going to happen. He planned this as a part of my story to raise awareness about Him.

After I contained myself, I drove home and immediately texted the guy I thought I loved. I poured out my heart to him, telling him how much I wanted to be in his life and that we could work things out. When he replied, I was expecting a confession too, full of joy and want, but no; I got a confession of rejection. He basically picked sports over me, and he asked just to be friends.

I thought he was joking. I mean, my almighty God wouldn’t let some guy use and abuse me like that, would He? But He did let that happen.

But now here I am. Here I am writing a story of my first time having sex. But the purpose of writing this story isn’t to entertain; it’s to inform. Sex is perceived as a glamorous event that brings pleasure and happiness into ones life, but it’s the opposite. It breaks you down and corrupts your mind into believing a physical connection with someone is the most important thing in a relationship.

Girls reading this: please wait for sex. It’s not something to toss around with different people because its “cool”. Wait till you have found the guy that you know will love you back no matter what. But if you follow in my footsteps, you’ll end up hating yourself as much as I hate myself.

Sincerely,
Mere

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